I am not an economical food shopper. I walk into every grocery store with grand plans for the Julia Childs-esque menagerie of meals I will cook for the week and walk out $80 lighter with bags overflowing with fresh produce. Without fail, one or two--if not all of my meals--will never see the light of day. Something "more important" will come up: a meeting will run late at work, I'll have a paper due at school, my dog Butters will need an extra hour to sniff out the best place to use the loo.... The excuses are endless and the time I've left to decompress and cook disappears. Nothing reeks of failure quite like the fridge of shame (mine has an especially green odor of rotten avocados and kale).
When Faced with the Fridge of Shame:
Stage 1: Denial
Walk past fridge ignoring increasing noxious odor. Pretend not to notice green slime accumulating in drawer marked "crisp".
Stage 2: Anger
Glare at fridge. Mumble while scouring dark corners for anything left eatable. (Seriously fridge, WTF! I was going to make a gourmet meal with that eggplant. I was going to use Panko! It was going to be delightful! We should pull the plug right now. F'ing useless).
Stage 3: Bargaining
Avoid contact with fridge while assessing possibilities. (Perhaps fridge will be amenable to a deal. If it cleans itself, I will decrease its stress. I will buy less food - money saver! I will only fill its drawers with organic produce - environmental activist! I will remember to empty its ice tray more often so that it can replenish itself and feel useful... No deal?).
Stage 4: Depression
Collapse in a puddle outside the kitchen. (WHHHYYYYYYY?! Here lie all my rotting dreams of cooking a full meal every night from scratch, of honing my mincing technique, of learning the correct way to cut an onion... I can't... It's just too hard... I'll just waste away on the couch instead. Disavow all foods in need of refrigeration. Doomed from the start. If only I had fed myself more regularly...).
Stage 5: Acceptance
Pull up a seat, drag the trash can over. (Fine, I'll clean the damn fridge, but I do it grudgingly).
This week's losses: 1 bag of sweet peppers, 1 cucumber and a bunch of arugula.
Next week will be better.
